Archive for May, 2012

“Nice car you got there Craigy boy”

May 31, 2012

“Nice car you got there Craigy boy”.
“Aye Chaz, braw eh? Took it aff Big Davie’s hauns, gied us a deal. Bit o’ a steal.”
“Chassis looks a bit bent.”
“Aye, but no bad fur a quid.”
“One pound, you got quite the deal!”
“Mare than the chassis bent, hale motor. Helluva expensive tae run an’ aw…..”
“4 star?”
“Naw alternative fuel – succulent lamb and finest red wine.”
“How’d you get the MOT on it if it’s so bent?”
“Dawdle Chaz, nudge and a wink tae big Donkey an’ he sees us right. Aw in the haunshake in these pairts.”
“Very patriotic paint job I see.”
“Aye – red, white and blue. Big Davie did a braw joab. Redid the inside, used tae be loads mare orange. Changed the number plate frae FTP 1690 tae EBT SDM. Pure dead classy. See the braw wee bear hingin’ frae its neck frae the mirror?”
“Hillman Avenger?”
“Aye, dinae see monay oh them nooadays. Oh, an’ talking o’ Avengers, he tried tae get that burd frae that TV show in the back o’ it wan time. Didnae go fur the flute music blaring out the windaes. Thought the beat o’ the Lambeg drum would get her goin’.”
“That tax disks looks a bit dodgy. Been at the clipart again?”
“Och, Hector’s oan ma case aboot it……gieing us grief the greetin’ faced get”.
“Penalty points?”
“Oan appeal. But got third party fire and theft oan it. Mibee torch it. Big Davie didnae want me tae break it fur spares. Loadsa memories.”
“Torch it! A vintage Avenger! What if your caught red-handed?”
“Aye, suppose so Chaz. That widnae dae. The wee bear an’ his pals might come get me an’ gie me a doin’.”
“Tell you what Craigy, lets do a deal. I’ll take it off your hands for 2 pounds. I’ll get some chums to loan us some cash to do it up”, after all it is a vintage Avenger. You can then get to drive in it occasionally.”
“Brilliant. A birl in it wid be braw. Big Donkey will see ye right oan the MOT. Just dinae take it tae Europe. These Krauts and Frogs will be all ovr ye.”

“The Producers” as “The Rangers”

May 7, 2012

I recently read a remake of Mel Brooks’ 1968 classic “The Producers” playing out in Glasgow. Renamed, “The Rangers” the major roles fall to mysterious past, present and future owners. In cahoots with their accountants, they hatch a plan to rip off Scottish football supporters, played by “Little Old Ladies” in the original.
The plot involves secretive accountants coming in to audit “The Rangers’” books. They soon realize that madcap schemes have left them over a hundred million pounds in debt. The amount is so implausibly massive that it dawns on the accountants that executing administration for the benefit of the creditors is futile. However, they realize that their client is no ordinary business, with tentacles firmly gripping the highest level of governance for the sport. By being able to access these cronies, they can attempt to eliminate their client’s toxic debts. The connivance of witting or unwitting co-conspirators becomes essential to execute their plans. They draft in a mysterious American to lend credibility to their scheme.
The owners, accountants and wannabes launch their bail-out scheme, ably assisted by an all-star-cast performing and pandering across Scotland’s media outlets. A skeptical Scottish Football Association baulks, but the Scottish Premier League – promising manna from the Sky – saves the day for their heroes.
The story concludes with the perpetrators smirking smugly on the steps of the SFA offices at Hampden, after they have again fleeced the “Little Old Laddies.” However, as they leave the scene Michel Platini enters from UEFA and suspends the SFA indefinitely, as the bang of Lambeg drums is heard in the distance. Scottish professional football withers and dies.

Questions for Mr McCoist and Mr Smith

May 2, 2012

Such has been the role of the Scottish press in the Glasgow Rangers fiasco that someone in Pyongyang will be as knowledgeable about their self-inflicted “bankruptcy” as a great many Rangers supporters. At least the North Korean would have the advantage of not being misinformed, or should I say disinformed, by “sports writers” – particularly in a certain Glasgow tabloid. There is a line that has long been crossed into blatant pandering. In the current situation there is a real danger in whipping up thuggery. Are the writers in the Daily Record so dependent on their succulent lamb that they will risk complicity in putting public order at risk?
I emigrated in 1988. I miss many things about Scotland – but certainly not the sectarianism that still infects a portion of Scottish society. If anyone in Scotland reads this and doubts me, then I’ll tell you where I am originally from – a place roughly equidistant between Larkhall, Lesmahagow and Carluke; the “Orange groves” of Lanarkshire.
For the press to begin redeeming itself, and in the interests of transparency, I would welcome any journalist asking Mr McCoist, Mr Smith, etc. the following questions: “Did you have an EBT?” “For how long?” “How much money was involved?” “If the HMRC FTT finds against Rangers, will you publicly commit to repay these funds?”  If they cannot answer these questions and would rather risk incitement then that itself speaks volumes.   We shall see whether or not they really do “walking away”. I am not holding my breath.